To Talk or not to talk?

That is the question
Whether it is easier to message
the thoughts and dreams of ones mind,
or to shout them from the rooftops
and let the whole world know? To keep quiet,
to dwell on things past, present and future,
to hide away from one's feelings, to deny
that they exist? I think not.

I shall stop there, before Bill Shakespeare turns in his grave!

I have had this fascination with this soliliquy of Hamlet's, going back to the days when I disliked myself so much that I was prepared to terminate myself with extreme prejudice. It was invariably the original that brought me back from the brink and it is that same one that helps me now.

It is ironic that at school I studied Macbeth, with it's murderous overtones and yet it is Hamlet that has given me inspiration

"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action"

I am going to live life, not this perpetual suicide of inertia.
I have made some massive changes already, I don't want to have have lived a life and at the end of it, having to ask, "What if?"

Hamlet wasn't originally going to be my topic for today. It was, as usual, one of my random thoughts on which I got carried away. The title actually came from a treat I bought myself as a result of the savings I have made by not smoking. Admittedly, it is not new, but my "new" mobile phone is a boys toy



The X3 is an all singing all dancing, MP3 playing, photo taking out and out toy!

I used to say that a mobile (or cellphone, which ever you want to call it!) was for making and receiving phone calls, but it is so much more than that. I have to admit to still being bemused when I watch teenagers text at 100 wpm, and marvel at their ability to have a million different ringtones, though I draw the line at crazy frog, which drives me to despair!

I do use SMS far more than I talk, just as I use MSN far more than than I use an ordinary landline. It may have to do with the fact I am deaf in my right ear, and also be due to the fact that I have a tendency to engage my mouth before putting my brain to gear, and physically seeing it on a screen sort of puts it into perspective.

My old brick, a Nokia 3310 is about to be found a home with some charity shop, I have no need for junk, I have plenty of it as it is

I'm Home!

I am back, in one piece and still a non smoker! I even managed a pint or two or three. Actually probably closer to 7, but considering I haven't really had a session like that in a while, I was pleasantly surprised at my self-control on the smoking side of things!

Last night saw the first seven days of my non smoking journey completed. I have to be honest, I was expecting it to be far worse, and that it wasn't, is due to the support from friends, family and from the those who have made comments on here.

I think the support from everyone has been phenomenol, and there have been times when I thought about wavering but the thought of letting so many people down, and most importantly, myself, has strengthened the resolve to stick to it.

I don't know any of you that have made comments at all, but just by posting a note of encouragement, you have done an enormous amount of good, and for that I am extremely grateful.

I hope to get back to less serious topics later

TTFN

And so another day draws to an end! may post once more before I take a break, not from not smoking, but from the computer, but if I don't, don't worry. I am going away for a few days, but should be back Monday to confirm that I still am a non smoker!

You don't get rid of me that easily ha ha ha!

Walkies

I took the camera for a walk today,

I would have taken a dog for a walk, except I don't have one, so the camera had to do! Cameras aren't as much fun because you have to carry them. I didn't take any photos, the light was unimpressive and not inducive to stunning photography.

Truthfully, I really only took it along as an excuse to go for a walk. I have to trick my mind sometimes into doing things that it would otherwise find dull. I am not one of those people who can go to a gym and endlessly run on a treadmill. If I want to run, I run TO somewhere FROM somewhere.

I still have to overcome the "I have to do something for a reason" instead of "Oh that sounds like fun, let's do that", to release the inner child. I only seem to be able to do that around my niece and nephew, it helps obviously that they ARE still children, but neither they, nor their parents, seem to be a bit concerned when I roll around the floor like a demented weeble, though I am sure that I have caught my brother checking the Yellow Pages for psychiatric help!

I must learn to chill and take time out though.

Neighbours

Not the Australian soap opera! I haven't got a tv, no need for one when I have got the internet! but already I digress!

Nightmares weren't part of my original list of symptoms of withdrawal, but I suppose clarity of thought as well as an increase in Delta brainwaves a result of increased oxygen levels to the brain is surely the reason for them. I am no Neuroscientist, so maybe if there is one reading they could explain or maybe this is a question for the uselessmen?

I have just woken from a nightmare, hence the time for posting and the subject. When I started this blog, I said I might, from time to time, reveal some of my motives for giving up. Let me give you some background for motive number one.

I have a neighbour, I shall just call him H. I don't know a great deal about him, (and I'll go more into this later), but I do know H is 12 years older than me.

Four years ago, H had an operation on his legs. All I know for sure is that H had a couple of veins removed from each leg. The scars that he showed me were reminiscent of those that, in my imagination, could only have been created by Dr von Frankenstein, a good 4 mm wide and encompassed the entire length of each of his legs. Whilst proud is not a word I would use to describe his demonstration of these scars, the obvious relief that he hadn't lost the legs was, but more so the pride in the fact that he had finally kicked his 40 a day habit.

My nightmare centres around legs, not H's, but mine. In my previous dreams, the difference though had been that I had no legs. An advance in years to that of H saw me in hospital being pushed around in a wheelchair after the operation to save them failed. This had actually been a recurring theme in my nightmares, but this time saw an alteration to the ending. I walked out of hospital on crutches. The operation had been a success. As time goes by, and the cessation time increases as it will, this nightmare will fade, as will the risk of me needing to have such major surgery.

How morbid, I hear you say. Very true, very vivid too, and 3 years ago I might not have cared. Today I do care. I care about a lot of things these days, not least in myself. I have been in this house for over 16 years. In all truthfulness, I can't say I know much about my neighbours. Only 2 of the households though have lived here longer than me, yet I still feel like the the outsider.

I have been so wrapped in me, yet not, (if that is possible) that I have never spent any time getting to know these people that have, in essence, been part of my life. I have learnt more in the past three months about them, just as I was preparing to leave them, than I have in my entire time here. Some people have just come and gone, leaving no impression on me whatsoever, and I suppose I have made none on them. I have never been inside one of their houses and none have been in mine, unless of course they have been invited in by my Grandmother! Don't go there, that is a book in itself, a complete case study for any young psychiatrist wanting to make a name for themself!

I have calmed down now and bed beckons again, at least this time I can walk there!

A long way to go

The hardest part of writing the blog, it seems to me at least, is finding a title for each new post. I seem to work backwards, and frequently disappear off on a tangent. How on earth I managed to equate God and Tobacco first thing this morning, I have no clue, it doesn't really matter does it? Keeping to the route isn't essential, the main thing is getting there.

"A journey of a thousand Miles starts with a single step", hmmm, I told you I go off on a tangent, It's been attributed to Confucius and to Lao-Tzu. One major problem there. The Chinese didn't use miles in Confucius' time. The unit of measurement in Imperial China, right up until the middle of the last century, was the li, which was 15 yin,. It was sort of standardised, in the mid 19^th century and the li is the approximate equivalent of 500m. Whatever way we look at it, it is a very succinct way of telling oneself that you have to start somewhere!

I spent some time just sitting at my desk, just watching the count up just counting up. It sounds rather sad that I have nothing better to do, but to me, it is exhilarating knowing that over 2 days ago, I stubbed out my last cigarette. I knew then that I had a long way to go, and that the journey would take me in a direction that I had just a little control over.

Whilst the way forward was not entirely unknown, it had been pushed to the recesses of my mind by time. The route seems more familiar now, I can feel the precipices of my addiction either side of me, eagerly waiting to snatch me should I fall, but it doesn't scare me any more. My footing is sure, and I will reach the other side! I will reach the other side because I am a non smoker!

Genesis

" And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

And the evening and the morning were the third day"

-Genesis 1: 9-13

I am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but seems kind of ironic that after my little diatribe yesterday on the banana and Ms Ellies' comment about the third day were sort of interlinked. Interesting to note that it was day 3 when plants were created, which means Tobacco was made on the third day. Question is why would God create something as insidious as Tobacco?

Theological debate is not the aim of this blog and are probably catered for by hundreds of blogs out here in webland, so any points made in this blog, are simply me thinking aloud and not really topics for discussion.

On a lighter note, this is the start of day 3. By now, There is no nicotine left in the body. My ability to taste and smell is greatly improved, I may have already mentioned that. Have I ? Have I? I would have saved £13.02 ($23) if I had actually smoked ready rolled cigarettes.

Deep breathing fills my lungs now and doesn't feed a sharp pain.

I am giving myself a proverbial pat on the back, because I am a non smoker!

Mountain Fresh

I keep harping on about senses. What is this obsession with them? I keep asking myself. It really is the olfactory and taste senses that are the most important to me right now. I have rewashed clothes and used a bottle of conditioner on them. Mountain stream, I think it was called. I think I must have used a river as it flowed into that tiny little compartment in the washing machine.

Lavendar joss sticks are now a feature in every room and because I can smell them now, it is a chilled and relaxed house. No, I am not going to light a reefer to get in the mood, that would just defeat the whole object of the exercise of giving up :rolleyes:

My eyesight is 20/20 fortunately in this weather especially, hearing non existent in one ear as a result of an industrial accident some way in the distant past, and my touch just needs practice. ( Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!)

Bananas!

Yes, I do mean the curved yellow things. Obviously I have more time on my hands since I have given up smoking and one of the new urges that I seem to have acquired is that for bananas. As I seem to be eating a lot of them, and conscious of the fact that the average quitter gains a few pounds in the first couple of months, I decided I had better find out more about this fruit as I seem to be putting a large volume into myself.

Well, first off, Bananas aren't just fruits, they are herbs too. According to AskOxford.com, because the stem doesn't contain woody tissue, it is technically regarded as a herbaceous plant (or 'herb'), not a tree! There you go, you learn something everyday.

Don't go away, because there is far more to learn about bananas. One large banana of approximately 126g can provide you with 15% of the recommended daily Allowance of Vitamin C (ok, so I am going to Od on Vit C), it is low in Sodium, but high in Potassium. Carbohydrates at 36g, 2g of protein, 4g of fiber. Top this off with high levels of magnesium, vitamins A1, B6, B12, all for a measly 140 calories, and you have the perfect stopping smoking food. Am I getting this sales pitch right? ;)

Well folks, can it get better than this? probably not? I can see I am going to have to do some research into milk later. I have always liked milk, in fact they have especially high stocks of semi skimmed mik specifically for me at the local store. far better than coffee. They also use my nose to test if a pint is off or a customer is trying to pull a fast one. For some reason, probably because I drink so darned much, I can smell a dodgy pint quicker than a mother whose childs nappy needs changing, though please don't dispute this , because there is no smell worse than a baby that needs changing, ( apart from MaccieDs yesterday!)

Sleep, perchance to dream

The sleep pattern is certainly no better than before, but at least the 5 hours I get certainly feel better. As for circulation? Well, let me put it this way, the viagra spam is certainly going in the trash! TMI I am sure!

Senses

Ok, yes so I have come to my senses about giving up, but seriously, I am sure it wasn't meant to happen so quick

Fruit seems to taste fruity, bananas and apples have their unique tastes, cherries smell of cherries, milk tastes milky, and MaccieD's stinks!

OMG does it stink! I worked for them for 2 and half years a long time ago, and I suppose you become immune to it after a time, but I don't ever remembering a smell so repulsive! I almost retched in the street. Remind me not to go there for a bite to eat.

As I have stopped biting my nails, I have started feeling my nails as I scratched the peeling skin off my arm ( a result of a long car drive)

Almost!

I actually thought about having a cigarette for the first time in 16 hours. I decided it wasn't a good idea. Drank a pint of milk instead, I can see that I am going to need to have a cow tied up somewhere close.

Stressed? Not me!

I am glad I gave up today... not. They say that moving is one of the most stressful events that can occur in your life. At this very moment in time, I would totally agree. I don't think it would be so though, if it wasn't for one particular group of people, the solicitors. I have never found it so difficult to extract a simple answer from one person in my entire life. I wasn't asking for the answer to Life, the Universe and everything, (so obviously 42). I wasn't even asking for his wife's recipe for cheesecake, I just bloody wanted to know when the sale of my house was going to be completed.

Ums and ahs later, He said he would get back to me. I have heard that phrase before, the classic "I haven't got clue" stock response, which usually means that the person responsible for the phrase, won't. Time for giving him a SMART objective. For those who are lucky enough to have managed to avoid US Management Science so far in your life

• Specific
  
• Measurable
• Achievable
• Realistic
• Timed

Do they learn to be so obtuse at university or is this a genetic characteristic that has been developed by some freakish scientist in a laboratory underground in Lucerne? Or have I just been unlucky in all my choices of solicitor? It took a bit of time for him to understand what I wanted him to do, and I have this vague feeling that he was a bit flummoxed, at actually being told what to do, which doesn't bother me. I am enjoying this new confident me.

Still off those cigarettes!

Goodbye and good Riddance , weed!

That is it, all the paraphernalia is in the bin, I am free of the dreaded weed. According to one of the links on the right, after 20 minutes, blood pressure and pulse rate fall to normal. Hmm, just checked my pulse and I seem to be dead. I am a qualified first aider, so I know where to check!, Nah only kidding I have been reborn.

This has been a year of change, and I am determined that it should continue this way. In fact I am going to go the whole hog. I am quitting biting my nails. There is no reason I butchered them other than I didn't have a cigarette to suck on. Well, I won't have a cigarette to take a drag from, so I won't need my nails to chew on either.

The counter should be going up as you read this, and as it does, so does my confidence and self esteem. I am doing something positive, and it feels good, God it feels good!

I said I would be off to bed, and I think I shall. And it will be a good nights sleep. despite it being hot and sticky, because I am a NON smoker,

Changing my mind?

Have I changed my mind? Not a snowball in hells chance of my doing that. The tobacco, rolling equipment, filters lighters and ash tray are all going in the bin at midnight!

Whether or not it is to my detriment or not, I have been reading Positive Thinking (DK Publishing ISBN 0-7513-4897-X), and if anything, it has steeled my resolve to achieve my target of giving up for good.

What is it with Nicotine? I can manage 5 hours sleep a night without it, I can even travel 5k miles + on a long haul flight and not even think about the damned stuff, yet the moment I hit the ground, either first thing in the morning, or the terminal there is this urge to smoke. Nicotine addiction has been likened to that of Heroin, and whilst I have no experience whatsoever of Heroin withdrawal, I have been through Nicotine withdrawal twice before. It was easier second time around, but I still am not expecting it to be easy, or I would have done it sooner.

This time though, there will be no next time, this is the last time I give up smoking. I have no intention of starting again.
I promise that I am giving up for the last time!All I have to do is identify the trigger points that are likely to make me start again, and find ways of defeating them.

I am going the mental process of telling myself, I do NOT need a cigarette, I can go through a whole day without a cigarette.
Mark, in a comment made to my very first post, said "Take one day at a time". I had planned on doing that, but it was very kind of Mark to reinforce it. My friends and family will be vital, and for once I am going to lean on them for support.

I plan on going to bed after the ritual binning of smoking apparatus at midnight, so that at least my body gets 5 hours to adjust.

Time to play?

I have added the countdown clock, which will become the countup once those cigarettes go in the bin at midnight tomorrow!

Countdown

The countdown has commenced, less than 36 hours to Q day. The difference between this and the Space Shuttle is that my little project is going to get off the ground! At this rate they might not get it up this year. ( I mean the Space Shuttle) What is it with NASA? What happened to risk taking?

I am actually looking forward to giving up now, and you are probably asking yourself, " well why doesn't he do it now then?" Each cigarette tastes worse than the last which is a good thing, so the more I smoke until then the more disgusting they are going to taste. I know it sounds strange, but I am a strange person. Do I care? Not one bit!

My mindset has set itself for midnight,18th July 2005 and if I do give up too early, I may not be psychologically ready for the trauma I am about to put myself through. All the same, "No Pain, no gain!"

Time to quit

This is it! I have had enough, it is time to stop smoking, (yet again!) How many times is this? At least the third that I can remember. But this time, I am going to succeed for good. I have to succeed, I will succeed!

Why is this time so different from all the others? I don't know to tell the honest truth, but one thing does spring to mind. I am more confident. I actually have started to like myself, and maybe because of that, I actually want to enjoy liking myself longer than I have hated myself.

Q day, as I have decided to name it, is Monday 18th, July 2005. From that day on, I will affirm my non smoking status, by saying to anyone that asks me if I want a cigarette, that I do not smoke.

I am doing this for me, no one else. There are a number of motives for giving up, and maybe over a period of time, I might reveal them. There are people, who will remain nameless throughout, that have urged me to give up, and there are those who are giving up at the same time as me. To them, I wish them all the luck and will power in the world.

There are a lot of first person personal pronouns ( "I" for those who can't be bothered to check what that means) and that is because this blog is for me.

If you read it and like what you read ,or even gives you inspiration, that's wonderful, it helps the "People pleaser" in me to reconcile myself with doing something for me. If you want to talk about giving up smoking with someone who is in the same position as you, then feel free to leave a comment.